38 weeks

I’m sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, waiting for my 38 week check-up of this our 5th baby. We are the mommy and daddy of a miscarriage at 8 weeks, 2 healthy baby boys, our sweet Jude stillborn at 38 weeks, and now this gift. 

As I sit here, I can’t believe I’m living through the same week with this baby that we did when we lost Jude. We did our best to avoid it. Planned c-sections for the past 2 weeks were thwarted when the amnios showed that the lungs weren’t ready for life outside my body just yet. I can’t be surprised, as I know it is best for babies to stay inside as long as possible. Yet, I can’t help but worry, knowing it was inside my body where Jude died almost 2 years ago. 

Sitting in this same waiting room has been a challenge these past 9 months. So many memories, both beautiful and nightmarish, occurred here. And   I know I’m a different person because of it. Living with this kind of grief has been excruciating, but it’s also been eye-opening. I know I appreciate so much more. Not the least of which is my faith and my God. I’m so much more ready for heaven, for eternity, I can almost taste it sometimes. But I’m also so much more in love with my family here, knowing that every day is truly a gift. 

They are about to call my name. I know this one is ok today. I feel the baby moving, and these moments of feeling life in me are never taken for granted. I relish each one. And that is what I want to carry with me as a life lesson for the rest of my days, no matter how many I have left here. To not take the gifts we have for granted – salvation, family, or every day.